Smile: The Confusion 2
by lunartick
Summary: Oneshot. Not a sequel to Smile: The Confusion. Yamazaki Susumu has sacrificed much for the Shinsengumi, manicures and leg shaving are just the beginning, but then he just had to end up in the gay quarters on a mission... nonyaoi


This fic is not a sequel to Smile: The Confusion, but you can go read that if you like.

This fic is also non-yaoi because I don't write yaoi.

Go ahead and read and enjoy the latest installment of the Smile series!

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**Smile: The Confusion 2**

Yamazaki Susumu always believed that he would give anything for the Shinsengumi. He would sacrifice anything, his time, his emotions, even his life. After all, that was what he decided when he chose to follow the path of his sister, the path of a shinobi.

Of course, his resolve had almost shattered when his sister had came up with the twisted idea of him dressing up as a woman so that if anything bad happened, she could take the blame for him. Though in actual fact, it would be more accurate to say that his resolve had almost shattered when he had been ordered to shave his legs. The closest, _closest_ he ever came to giving up on being a shinobi was when his sister had started making him do manicures, day creams, night creams and eye-liners. After all, Susumu had always been a rather feminine man, and having to further reduce whatever masculinity he had was a huge blow to the part of him known more commonly as the Ego.

But then, he had survived all those hair tonics and exfoliating scrubs, and had thought that the worst was finally, _finally_ over.

And then… Hijikata-san summoned him to his room.

_"Yamazaki." _

_"Yes, Hijikata-san?" _

_"As a shinobi, I am sure you are aware of this, but all kinds of criminals congregate in the Shimabara area."_

_"Indeed sir." _

_"We are looking for one assassin in particular. He's been attacking our night patrol squads, and causing substantial damage to our organization." _

_"Yes sir." _

_"Todou sparred with him last night and damaged his left arm. This paper here is a detailed description of the assassin." _

_"Yes sir." _

_"Yamanami informs me that Akesato thinks this man could be one of those whores you find in the Eastern District of Shimabara. How she actually got to take a look at this picture will be called into question of course… that damn Yamanami… but that is for later." _

_"Yes sir." _

_"Locate him, Yamazaki, and destroy him personally if you can. If you fail to do so, do not worry; the First Squad and Second Squad will be on stand-by to assist you." _

_"Yes sir."_

Like a good little shinobi, he had thus retreated into his room and started to don his Osen disguise. Then his sister had came in and pointed out that "Osen" was hardly the kind of woman to go parading into Shimabara in search of a night of fun. When he had protested (in a rather squeaky voice) that he was not decent and that no proper woman would come barging into a man's room when he was practically naked, she had laughed and told him he didn't have anything she hadn't seen before (a good five minutes of his precious time was wasted when she started to reminisce about the time when he was still little and she had given him baths at the river-side…), which obviously did not do wonders for his mood.

After spending a good two hours with his sister, pulling long strands of hair over his face and messing them up to give a "feisty yet feminine look" and tugging his kimono to reveal a little too much more than is prudent for a man cross-dressing as a woman he had finally made it down to the Eastern District of Shimabara.

Only to discover that it was the _gay_ quarters he was visiting.

Moaning in despair when he realized he was practically the only "woman" around, he had almost considered retreating down some back alley and removing his disguise. Then he had remembered that he was not wearing a wig today, and that it was his real hair that had been styled into a messy bun, and that there was no way in heaven, earth or hell he could get all the feminine waves out of his hair without a whole tub of hot water and vegetable oil. Thus, he discovered that there was really only one thing he could do – pretend to be a woman who had a fetish for gays.

He could see how well _that_ would work out.

Nonetheless, he was a shinobi of the Shinsengumi, and he would carry out his mission to whatever end.

Thus steeling his nerves and lifting his head high, he started the well-rehearsed vixen-sway down the streets of gay-district Shimabara – only to find himself accosted by none other than the First Captain of the Shinsengumi, Okita Souji.

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All his life, Kichisaburo had never been embarrassed about things such as girls, guys or sex. It was, after all, an integral part of his life. He _did_ live in the gay quarters of the red-light district, and the largest percentage of his income came from that particular job. The second largest percentage came from performing Noh, a fact that was probably one of the best kept secrets in the whole of Japan, because it just sounded wrong to have an opening line that goes along the lines of, "I can show you anything you want to see. I can show you blood, I can show you fun, or I can show you Noh".

However, all that was beside the point. The point he was trying to make, leaning against the doorframe of the brothel and staring out into the streets, was that he was not shy about sex or soliciting sex from men or women. That was part of what made him a great whore. There were boys from his quarters who absolutely refused to solicit women. There were also boys (not from his district of course) who panicked at the thought of having to serve a man. Kichisaburo on the other hand was not shy about either. He could charm any living, breathing thing into his bed; that he was absolutely sure of.

Thus it was, he barely batted an eyelash when he caught sight of the beautifully seductive woman making her way down the street.

This woman wasn't just one of those pretty faces you could find in any high-class brothel in Shimabara. There was a little extra edge to her, a certain sway in her gait that was so demurely feminine, yet so seductive, so _wild_ it almost bordered on confrontational. One look at her and any professional (like Kichisaburo, of course) would become aware that this was no shy little virgin; this was a woman would knew what she wants, and had the means (money) to get what she wants.

Kichisaburo was convinced he could convince her that he was what she wanted.

Smirking confidently, Kichisaburo sauntered over to the woman, meeting her dark, smothering glare with his own purple, smothering glare.

"Good evening," he purred, jutting his hip slightly. "Are you looking for some fun tonight, lady?"

The lady looked at him directly in the eye, and for a moment, Kichisaburo was almost convinced he was addressing a man. Then the lady whispered in a soft voice, "What are you doing here?"

Now that threw Kichisaburo for a turn, but only for a second. He had known that this woman was the kind who mowed down everything in her path. Throwing out odd question such as this was part of their strategy to confuse the manlier, but usually, less intelligent gender (their opinion of course; Kichisaburo was by no means of a lesser intelligence… but on the other hand… in terms of manliness, he probably didn't rank that high either…). However, all that again, was totally beside the point. The point was Kichisaburo knew immediately what this woman was up to, and thus was able to reply suavely with a, "I am here for your pleasure of course."

Much to his surprise, the lady threw him a mildly disgusted look. "Why are you dressed up as an ordinary ronin?" she muttered. "I thought this was supposed to be a Shinsengumi thing."

At that, Kichisaburo gave a wide, triumph grin. This woman was obviously relenting. The way she was subtly letting her fetishes known was her way of saying, "Okay, you passed the test, so get your ass to your room and put on a freaking Shinsengumi costume so we can have a par-tee!" Thus he smiled and gestured towards the brothel. "Go on in there, my dear lady," he purred, reaching out to gently caress her derriere. "And I will put on anything you want me to."

And was shocked when she stomped gracefully on his foot and started to walk away.

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Okita Souji was taking his role way to seriously, Susumu felt. There was, of course, nothing wrong with taking a mission seriously, but touching his butt was just totally crossing the line. He was a man, damn it, despite what that irritating page of Hijikata-san's said, and just because he owned three sets of women's underwear didn't make him any less a man, it only made him a cross-dresser.

Besides, what was Okita doing in plain-clothes, pretending to be a whore? As far as he knew, Hijikata-san had only sent _him_ undercover. Okita Souji, while a brilliant samurai, was by no means a shinobi. Sending him undercover would just mess things up! Though honestly… the way he was talking just now… he really did sound like a whore.

Yamazaki Susumu clasped his hands in front of him and tried to erase the unwanted thought of Okita Souji's second dream-job being prostitution (the first being a pig-farmer of course).

"Wait! Wait a minute, lady!"

What the…

"Yes?" Susumu snapped out of the corner of his prettily painted lips impatiently.

'Okita' flashed him a seductive smile and said, "Come on lady. Why don't you listen to what I have to offer first before you run away?"

Susumu shivered inside his bold-red kimono.

"What are you doing?" he whispered harshly. "You are disturbing my mission!"

"Not if I'm your mission's goal."

"What on earth are you talking about?"

"Well… I can do things from about twenty-seven different positions…"

"What?" Susumu covered his mouth just in case his dinner decided to exit in a rather messy fashion. "Why on earth are you telling me that? I didn't need to know that! Can you just leave me alone?"

"What? Listening ain't enough for you? Do you want to take a look at what I've got to offer?" He started to undo his obi and Susumu's hands shot out on their own accord to stop him.

"Stop it, damn you!" Susumu cursed, for a moment deciding to treat 'Okita' like a child rather than a first-rate Shinsengumi captain. "Have you lost your mind?"

"With such a pretty lady in front of me, how could I not?"

At that, Susumu dropped 'Okita's hands like they were hot, oily, disgusting pieces of scum extracted from the bottom of the bath-tub in the Shinsengumi's bathroom. His eyes snapped up to 'Okita's face and he stared in disbelief. Was Okita Souji seriously trying to seduce him? He could not believe what was happening. He could not believe what was happening. He could not believe what was happening…

And it was somewhere in the middle of that mental rant that something began to nudge the back of his head. At first he couldn't be sure what it was, not with the mental rant drowning out all other mental voices in his head. It was only about five 'He could not believe what was happening's later did he realize what it was.

This person wasn't Okita Souji.

Sure, they looked almost alike, but there were some subtle differences that only a woman… or a man who constantly dressed as a woman… would notice. Their eye-shapes were different for one thing, and this person in front of him had far more distinct cheekbones. They had the same nose-shape and lip-shapes, but this person had a different ear-shape from Okita Souij. Oh… and Okita Souji had better quality hair than this person (please just look at all those split-ends). Sure, this were aspects of the face that could be altered by make-up, but Susumu was convinced that this person wasn't wearing make-up (something only a woman, or a man who dressed constantly as a woman would be aware of) and, of course, Okita Souji most certainly did not wear make-up. Not that… he was… aware of… anyway.

Now that threw a loop for Susumu. This person was obviously a real whore, which meant that if he accepted this person's help, he could earn himself a tour of East-District Shimabara. However, he was not sure what he should do should he find his prey while this person was around. Then there was also that issue of being intimately close with someone who resembled Okita Souji so much. Despite what many people would think, it was a very distressing thought to consider having to touch this whore intimately and then later on, look at Okita Souji straight in the face without flinching.

"Hello, lady?"

Susumu jerked out of his mental stupor and realized that he had hesitated for too long a period of time. Fortunately for him, his put-on persona kicked in and replied for him. "What?" he snapped in the most bitchy vixen voice he had at his disposal.

And Kichisaburo frowned.

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What was wrong with him tonight? He was pulling all the moves… all the little tricks… letting his body do the talking instead of his mouth. Why wasn't it working? This woman was one hard nut to crack.

A scowl twisted his lips. He refused… _refused_ to let this woman dismiss him like he were some ordinary two-yen whore. After all, there was something rather attractive about this woman… which was actually beside the point as well. He would not relent because it was a matter of honour. There was no woman on this earth he could not seduce, and he absolutely refused to allow this woman to trample all over his Ego.

Well, physical contact didn't seem to work very well – something he should have recognized, now that he thought about it. This woman was an Alpha Female; you didn't touch her until she gave you permission to. Therefore, he would have to change his strategy a little.

He straightened his half-slouch and offered a graceful, mildly flirtatious bow. "My beautiful lady," he purred. "Please, we have obviously gotten off on the wrong foot. Perhaps it might help if I introduced myself first. My name is Kichisaburo of Yogotoya. You are…?"

"I am?"

Ooh. A tough one. "Your lovely name, my lady, if I may be so bold as to request it?"

"I'm… Okita Aoi."

"Aoi! What an absolutely lovely name!" Where had he heard that name 'Okita' before?

"Oh gee, thanks."

Kichisaburo tried to keep the gracious smile on his face gracious. Why did the woman look so disgusted with his compliment? Couldn't she at least express some gratitude at the effort he was putting into this endeavor? "So, Aoi, why don't you tell me what you are looking for? Perhaps I could be of assistance to you?"

For a moment, hesitation flickered over the face of the beautiful alpha female. She seemed to be debating between several different options. Kichisaburo hoped, for the sake of his Ego, that one of the options was him.

"Perhaps it might help if you tell me in general what you are looking for?" he questioned gracefully.

The woman gave a non-committal grunt. "Perhaps," she relented, and Kichisaburo grinned happily.

"So…?"

"I'm looking for… a… man…" the woman replied. "A… _gay_ man."

Which would explain why she was in this district, duh. Kichisaburo rolled his eyes. "I see," he said politely. "A gay man. That… doesn't narrow things down a lot. Do you have any specific characteristics in mind?"

"Long hair," she said decisively. "Long, dark hair. A scar or two, preferably on the left arm would be nice. Um… or well, it could be an open wound, I don't mind. The wound or scar has to be about three inches long though. Good with the sword… I mean, a _real_ sword, not the… eh… _other_ sword. Uses a piercing technique rather than a slashing technique. Pretty boy, tall, slim, slightly taller than me… dark eyes, an evil smirk and a fetish for killing Shinsengumi members, especially those on the night patrol. Oh, and his sword… his _real_ sword has to have the inscription of Amida Buddha on it."

Kichisaburo's eyebrows were sky-high. That was some fetish this woman had. She sounded almost like she was describing a _real_ person. It was so bloody specific… even if this was a woman who knows what she wants… "Eh… Amida Buddha?" he questioned weakly. "Does it _have_ to be Amida Buddha?"

"Absolutely."

"Because you see… I have long dark hair, dark eyes and a scar on my left arm among many others. I am pretty, tall, slim, slighter taller than you, and I have an evil smirk, and if you want me to, I could develop a fetish for killing Shinsengumi members, especially those on night patrol. However, I don't have a sword with the inscription of Amida Buddha on it. I do have one with the inscription of Yogotoya on it; would that do?"

"No."

"But I don't think I know anyone with the inscription…" Wait. He did. He did know someone who had an inscription of Amida Buddha on his sword.

Momohiro. His Nemesis.

The two of them have been enemies from the very first day they had met. Not only was that bastard _almost_ as good-looking as he was, he was also _almost_ as good at the sword as he was, and he had _almost_ no qualms about seducing members of both sexes. Always, always that bastard would steal his customers when he wasn't looking. But of course, in no way was that bastard as good as Kichisaburo was. After all, Momohiro can't do Noh.

Whatever the case was, there was no way in hell he was going to introduce this lady to Nemesis.

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He was going to kill himself. Oh god, he was _so_ going to kill himself. Did Yamazaki Susumu just name himself after a _pig_? Oh god, Yamazaki Susumu just named himself after a pig. Yamazaki Susumu was so going to kill himself. Please don't let anyone find out. Please don't let anyone find out. Especially don't let Ayumu find out. Please, all the lovely gods above…

"But I don't think I know anyone with the inscription…" The whore had stopped talking. Thank god the whore had stopped talking. Thank…

The whore knew something.

His face was totally blank and would have revealed nothing to most normal people. However, Yamazaki Susumu wasn't a normal person; he was a Master of Hiding Emotions. He could tell immediately that this whore knew something. He also knew immediately that this whore wasn't going to give up the information easily.

"Hey, wh… eh… Kichi, was it?"

"Yes?" Suave. A pretender.

"You know what?"

"What?"

Oh god, it was so going to kill him to say this, but for the Shinsengumi… "I think I want… more than one guy."

"Oh?"

"The more the merrier I always say."

"Absolutely."

"So…" Susumu raised a finger to his lips and shot him a well-rehearsed seductive look. (Shinpachi had walked in on Ayumu teaching him that look and had ended up running out screaming something about incest and paedophilia. He had resented that too. He was not so young he could be considered a victim of pedophilia.) "I think you'll do just fine. You're kind of pretty… really my kind of guy once I look closely."

"Oh, you don't say?" The whore was preening. Oh god, the whore was preening. Susumu needed to puke desperately.

"Absolutely. But we need one more person…"

"Oh yes." The whore's face fell. "Another one…"

"Are you sure you don't know anyone with Amida Buddha inscribed on his sword?"

"… I…"

"Yes?"

"I… may…"

"Oh, for the love of god," Susumu cried out disgustedly. "Spit it out, boy!"

That seemed to work. "I know someone like that." That definitely worked. Susumu sniffed condescendingly. And 'boy' wasn't even the worst insult he could come out with!

"Well then you should have said so earlier," he said impatiently instead.

"But he isn't very good, you see." A lie, obviously. "He's always too rough when someone asks for gentle, and always too gentle when someone asks for rough." Another lie; Susumu could see that one a mile away. "He's not as pretty as I am honestly, though I suppose one might call him… _cute_." Now that wasn't a lie, but a biased opinion. "And besides, that bastard can't do Noh at all." Ah, now that was the truth… Noh?

"I see," Susumu replied, rolling his eyes. "Well, that doesn't matter now, does it? You can show him the ropes; you look pretty experienced."

"Well, I've been around a bit…" Oh god, he was preening again. That was one huge Ego he was looking at.

"So?"

The whore sighed. "He's called Momohiro," he muttered. "He works at Yogotoya too."

V-I-C-T-O-R-Y; victory. Susumu almost, _almost_ grinned triumphantly into his sleeve. He settled for a deep, sensual chuckle instead, which was, honestly, nowhere as satisfying as a victory dance. "Momohiro, I see," he murmured. "What a cute name." The deflating of an Ego was always an interesting sight to behold. "But of course, Kichi is obviously much cuter." Is it even physically possible for an Ego to be _that_ size?

"Many people say the same thing," the whore was saying now. "But come! The night may still be young, but it would be a waste of time to spend it standing out here in the cold and talking about my numerous attributes."

"Oh… eh… ha ha…" Susumu muttered under his breath. As he took the whore's arm and allowed him to lead him into the brothel, Susumu found himself wishing that he wasn't alone at that moment. No one would ever believe him if he told them he witnessed an Ego this huge, but this was news he would never be able to keep to himself.

Unknown to him, his wish had come true. The First Division and Second Division Captain had witnessed the whole thing from the darkness of a conveniently placed back alley.

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"I don't believe it!" Shinpachi hissed, grabbing the younger captain's shoulders and shaking him violently. "Souji! How come you're a whore? How could that be possible? Hijikata-san would kill you! God, he would kill you, and all of us as well!"

"N… N… Nagakura-san…" Okita stuttered, finding coherency impossible when being shook violently by the shoulders. "W… what a… a… are you t… t… t… talking about?"

"Look, you idiot!" Shinpachi screeched, pointing to the two figures disappearing into the brothel. "Not only are you a whore, you are _seducing_ Susumu! What on earth is the matter with you? Admittedly, Susumu looks hot in that kimono… oh lord, I didn't just think that… oh lord, I _did_ just think that… but that's not the point! The point is Susumu is a Man and you are a Man and you are seducing him!"

"B… b… but Nagakura-san… that isn't me!" Okita protested, trying to pull the shorter captain off him. "I'm here!"

"But he looks exactly… oh…" Shinpachi extracted himself off Okita with a sheepish grin on his face. "Eh… it's the shock at seeing Souji's face seducing Susumu, I swear."

Okita laughed weakly, adjusting his haori so that it was decent again. "That gentleman does look very much like me, doesn't he?" he agreed politely. "It must be quite a shock for Yamazaki-san to walk down East District and bump into someone who looks like me."

"I'm sure it was a huge shock. That's why Susumu's entering that brothel with him, of course."

"That's mean, Nagakura-san! I'm sure Yamazaki-san is a perfectly… straight… man… who occasionally dresses as a woman, but only for the sake of the Shinsengumi."

"Uh huh. As you wish, Souji."

"Nagakura-san!" Okita pouted. "That's evil. Maybe Yamazaki-san has gotten new information from that gentleman there. Which is why they are going in together."

"Oh sure, if that's what you've like to believe."

"Come on! Let's follow them in!"

"Why? I don't want to walk in on anything personal!"

"Nagakura-san! This could be important! Besides, even if Yamazaki-san swings that way, he wouldn't be picking up such gentlemen during mission time!"

"How would _you_ know that?"

"Because Hijikata-san would just so kill him if he ever found out."

"Ah… good point."

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"Welcome in!" Kichisaburo purred, bowing suavely as he ushered the lovely (rich) lady into the room. "Please make yourself comfortable." He smiled as the woman looked around the room.

"Kind of tiny, isn't it?"

"The government does not believe in giving too much land to whores, my lady."

The lady grunted and wandered around the room, barely giving the bedspreads a glance. "Yeah, whatever," she said, hands on her hips. "Where's your friend now, Kichi-poo?"

Kichi-poo. A twitch started at the tip of Kichisaburo's carefully plucked right eyebrow and started a slow but steady pace towards the inside of his eyebrows. "I shall go fetch him," he grounded out through his teeth. "Please, make yourself comfortable."

"Yeah, yeah, I know. Just get your friend here, Kichi-poo."

The moment he was out of the room, Kichisaburo's smile disappeared and he scowled menacingly in the vague direction of where that lady was standing. That woman had so better be paying a good price for all the humiliation he was going through today! Not only did he have to have a fucking threesome with, of all people, Momohiro, he had to endure being called Kichi-you-know-what by that woman. The fact that she was a beautiful vixen only made things worse; it made him feel like a _boy_.

"Ah well, if it isn't _the_ Kichisaburo."

And of course, someone up there just had to make things worse. "Why, Momohiro, what a great… eh… _pleasure_ it is to meet you here."

Both men exchanged hostile glares. "Well then," Momohiro said, flipping his long, black tresses. "What are you doing standing outside my room?"

"We have a customer."

"We?"

"Yes, she wants a threesome."

"_She_?"

"Yes, she wants me to teach you the ropes."

"You."

Kichisaburo smirked as Momohiro's eyes narrowed in distaste. "She has somehow gained the knowledge," he drawled, grinning maliciously. "That you are nowhere as experienced as I am, or as pretty as I am, or have as cute a name as I do, which is why she has decided that together we shall teach you how to become a true whore."

Momohiro had drawn up to his full, slightly-taller-than-Susumu height. "You have been spreading false rumours about me," he accused, black eyes flashing dangerously.

"False rumours?" Kichisaburo laughed. "I doubt the falsity of the lady's accusations, mon cherrie."

Now Momohiro's eyes were gleaming with the dangerous shine of a hitokiri. A deep growl started at the back of his throat and he stepped forward, forcing Kichisaburo to back straight into the wall. "You watch it, Kichisaburo," he snarled. "I'll show that lady just how good a whore I am."

"Go ahead, Momohiro." Kichisaburo smirked. "Just don't cry when I beat you."

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"Good lord, did you hear that, Souji?"

"Yes, Nagakura-san… could you take your foot off my face, please?"

"Jeez, Susumu has two men fighting over him. That has to suck."

"Nagakura-san! That was a very sensitive part of my body you just kicked!"

"Wh…? Oh gross! Eh… what part did I kick?"

"My nose!"

"Oh… that's a relief."

"Meanie! You kicked my nose and you feel nothing but relieved?"

"Better than your… I mean… okay, I'm sorry."

"Okay then, you're forgiven… ouch! Nagakura-san!"

"Sorry, ok? Geez! It was your idea to climb through the ceiling boards anyway."

"Nagakura-san, I don't think you would want me to get angry in such a small, confined area."

"Ah… eh… heh heh… yeah. Well, let's just… move on."

"Smart move, Nagakura-san."

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Kichi-poo. Susumu smirked into his sleeve demurely. That was a good one. God, the look on that whore's face… He sniggered derisively. The one good thing about bumping into Hijikata-san's miserable excuse of a page so often was that he had learnt several techniques when it came to the art of Name-Calling (like Aim-for-the-Ego, and if that doesn't work Aim-for-the-Vulnerables).

The door slid open and Susumu immediately smoothed down his kimono.

"My lady!" Kichi-poo said, bowing deeply. "This is my… colleague, Momohiro."

"Greetings." A deep low bow, equally graceful. "Momohiro at your service, most gracious beauty." A seductive look was shot in his direction, and Susumu quickly looked down to avoid being scarred for life.

"So…" Susumu looked the new arrival up and down swiftly. There was no mistaking it; this was the man that Todou had sparred with. "Momo-poo, is it?" He smirked at the look of sheer, utter shock on the man's face.

"E… eh… yes?"

"Excellent!" Susumu exclaimed, grinning broadly.

"So then," Kichi-poo broke in suddenly. "Shall we begin?" With a feline smile, he started to reach for his obi – and Susumu almost had a panic attack.

"Not yet," he said hurriedly, shivering so hard his kimono would have fallen straight off his shoulders if they weren't being held on by gum (after all, he didn't have the assets necessary to hold the kimono up).

"Not yet?" Momo-poo asked, in the act of shrugging off his kimono. "But I can hardly wait, with such a lovely lady in front of me."

"You make me want to jump you right here, right now," Kichi-poo piped up, licking his lips seductively.

"I want you to love me, hurt me, destroy me," Momo-poo added on immediately.

"Make me yours!"

Susumu cringed, his back pressed against the wall further from the two, almost ready to dive out of the window. "N… n… not yet…" he stammered. "Not yet. We need a… a… ritual."

"A ritual!" Kichi-poo gasped, clutching his chest. "That is so… sexy!"

"That totally turns me on!" Momo-poo moaned.

Someone was wailing in his head. It sounded strangely like himself, but it couldn't be becauseYamazaki Susumu never makes strange wailing noises. "Exactly," he squeaked. "So you see… eh… Kichi… Kichi-poo. You. Go get a cup of tea."

"Tea?"

Both men stopped gasping and moaning and stared at him oddly.

"Yes, tea," Susumu snapped. "You must make it with water boiled for ten minutes and tea leaves that have been held in your hands for another fifteen minutes. And after you make the tea, you dance around it screaming 'Tetsu is an absolutely horrible name and anyone named Tetsu has to be totally, utterly retarded' over and over again until the tea turns red."

"Wh…?"

"Go!"

"Yes!"

Kichi retreated out of the room, shooting weird looks at Susumu as he went. The moment he was out, Susumu allowed a (larger) scowl to grace his face. "Momohiro," he said coldly.

"Yes, my lady?"

Slowly, he drew a kunai from within his kimono. "I will end this silly façade before Kichi returns," he said harshly. "Now, you die."

Momohiro blinked rapidly – then smiled. "That's some fetish you have there, my lady," he murmured calmly. "But I assure you I can handle it – not like _that_ Kichisaburo." Slowly, sensually, he drew the sword at his belt, the inscription of Amida Buddha gleaming in the dull candlelight.

Susumu slammed his face into his hand. "This isn't a joke or a fetish!" he snapped. "I am a shinobi of the Shinsengumi sent to assassinate you!"

"Of course!" Momohiro clutched his sword to his chest. "Oh, hurt me! Let me feel your blade!"

"You don't get it!" Susumu groaned. "I am a real shinobi! A real one! I'm not looking for a whore!"

"Hurt me! Let me hurt you too!" 

Susumu growled at the back of his throat. This wasn't going where it was supposed to be going. "Die!" he howled and went straight for the throat.

The dagger clanged nosily against the raised katana and Momohiro's eyes narrowed. "Hey," he said harshly. "Play nice! You aren't supposed to scar me!"

"Scars will be the least of your worries where you are going!" Susumu howled rabidly, jabbing frantically for the throat. The edge of his dagger scraped the pale, flawless skin on the elegant swan-neck and a thin stream of blood oozed out.

Momohiro jerked back, a hand shooting out to clutch the wound. He stared wordlessly at the blood then stared at Susumu. "Hey, you are serious," he said bewildered.

"Finally got through your thick skull?" Susumu hissed, ignoring the voice at the back of his head that was screaming something about how much like a certain page he sounded at the moment. He was almost certain he was foaming at his mouth. He wasn't going to check if he was. Some things should be left uncertain. Makes the world a much easier place to live in.

"Bitch," Momohiro hissed back, practically foaming at the mouth as well (but he wasn't going to check either). "Shinsengumi whore!"

"Yogotoya whore!" Susumu screamed back, absolutely certain by now that he was foaming. "And at least I'm _accurate_ in my name-callings!" His dagger flashed forward again and Momohiro was forced to backpedal quickly.

Eyes flashing, Momohiro side-stepped Susumu's next attack and thrust his katana forward, aiming straight for the heart. "Take that, bitch!" he crowed – then stared, puzzled, when his sword made contact with something that felt like flesh but… wasn't.

Yamazaki Susumu's eyes gleamed maniacally as a smirk spread across his face. "Thank god for padding," he purred – and his dagger flashed forward for the last time.

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"Hurry, Nagakura-san! Yamazaki-san is in the room just ahead!"

"Aw geez, what's the hurry? I know you have little experience in this area but surely you can't be _that_ anxious to see some hanky-panky! You're acting so… _deprived_…"

"Yamazaki-san could be in danger, Nagakura-san! This is no time for jokes!"

"Huh? I wasn't joking… oh but I get what you mean. I mean, Susumu might not be _willing_ you know… and that whore might be forcing him… oh gross, that has to be the grossest thing my mind has ever conjured! Yuck!"

"Nagakura-san! Stop making mean jokes like that or I'll tell Hijikata-san about the time you tried to show me that Extremely Indecent Picture of an Extremely Scantily Dressed Woman!"

"What? Are you or are you not a man? How could you be complaining about seeing a woman totally n…"

"Nagakura-san. My warning holds. And do not even _think _to suggest I am anything _but _male."

"Uh… heh heh… yeah, yeah… of course you're a man! Eh… heh heh… I mean… heh heh… just… youth I guess… makes things awkward for the first time and everything… been there myself… heh heh…"

"Nagakura-san…"

"Ok ok! Hey look! We're here!"

The conversation ended rapidly as Okita Souji and Nagakura Shinpachi stopped and stared grimly at the one single ceiling board that was the difference between them and Yamazaki with a whore.

"Ready, Nagakura-san?"

"No problem. On the count of three?"

"On the count of three what?"

"Oh for the… on the count of three we smash this board and jump through!"

"Oh, okay."

"Okay. One, two…"

"Wait! Wait! You mean, we jump when you say three or after you say three?"

"_When_ I say three! Now for the love of… oh, what the hell! Three!"

_Crunch. Whoosh. Splat. _

Nagakura Shinpachi blinked owlishly. "Souji?"

"Yes, Nagakura-san?"

"Are we standing on a dead body?"

Okita Souji looked in the general direction of his feet. "Yeah, we're standing on a dead body."

Okita Souji calmly stepped off said dead body and wiped his feet on the tatami mat absent-mindedly. "So you didn't need us after all, Yamazaki-san," he commented warmly.

Yamazaki Susumu, who was in the process of pulling off his kimono scowled, muttered something along the lines of there being no privacy in this new world anymore then nodded grudgingly. "He's just a whore," he said dismissively, but there was a tension in his voice that Okita Souji (being the astute observant Shinsengumi Captain that he is) noted.

"Alright," Okita Souji said, shrugging just as dismissively (being the sensitive new-age guy that he is). "Let's get out of here before we create more trouble. They may not like us killing one of their commercial sex workers."

And just at that exact moment, in a sudden burst of prophetic irony, the door burst open. "Oh pretty lady!" Kichisaburo sang cheerfully. "The tea isn't exactly turning red but… oh my…" He stared at the still form on the floor. "Is that Momohiro?"

"Uh…" Nagakura Shinpachi stammered (being left with the duty of explaining inexplicable dead bodies when Okita Souji decided to hide his face by sticking it out of the window). "Shinsengumi… duty?"

Much to his surprise, the Okita look-alike nodded sagely. "Ah yes, of course," he purred, batting his eyelashes. "Momohiro's such a bastard. I'm sure he was practically _hurting_ the dear lady…" His voice trailed off as he stared at the extremely _male_ person staring back at him. "Uh…"

"I'm no dear lady, you horrible, horrible, horrible bastard," Yamazaki Susumu grounded out through his teeth.

"Oh…" Kichisaburo stared at the dead body then back at the three men in the room. "I don't suppose…" He hesitated. "I don't suppose I can perform various sexual services for any of you?"

"No!"

"Never!"

"Try that and you end up like Momo-poo!"

Kichisaburo stared at the dead body. "Then I don't suppose…" he tried again cautiously. "I can kill someone for you?"

"He's already dead," Yamazaki Susumu scowled, prodding the body with his toe.

"Well… how about a Noh performance?"

"Noh?"

"Why Noh… no wait, I don't want to know."

Kichisaburo shrugged. "Alright," he said disappointedly. "I see. It's just, you know… I've never lost a client before, you know? I mean, once a person hires me, they tend to allow me to go through with all my services you know? And now, I've lost my client to, of all things, a dead body. Man, you have no idea how much that sucks."

Nagakura Shinpachi made what he hoped was appropriately sympathetic clucking noises as he tried to usher a scowling Yamazaki Susumu and an Okita Souji (who had pulled a random Noh mask off the wall and was wearing it like it was the most natural thing in the world) out of the room.

"It's just," Kichisaburo went on, absent-mindedly prodding the dead body with his toe. "I'm a really bad loser, you know? I hate… not being the best at whatever I do. I know what people think of gay commercial sex workers, but really, we have _feelings _too, you know? And real personalities with real flaws, not that happy façade we put on for clients to see. And my flaw is I hate losing to anything, even a dead body. It's a terrible habit, I know, but one I find most difficult to get rid of."

"How awful for you," Nagakura Shinpachi mumbled awkwardly, trying to shove a glowering Yamazaki Susumu out of the room.

"Yes, it is," Kichisaburo agreed mournfully.

"I tell you what," Okita Souji said suddenly, his voice muffled and distorted from behind the mask. "You can perform a service for me."

"Souji!" Nagakura Shinpachi squeaked, his eyes widening dramatically. "You can't be… oh my god!"

"You can clear that body away for us," Okita Souji said loudly over his shorter companion's horrified protests. "For a fee, of course."

"Oh…" Nagakura Shinpachi mumble awkwardly.

"Oh," Kichisaburo said thoughtfully. "You want it to disappear?"

"Into thin air."

"Two hundred yen," Kichisaburo said immediately.

"Eighty yen."

"Hundred and eighty."

"Hundred."

"Hundred and fifty."

"Hundred and ten."

"Hundred and thirty."

"Hundred and…"

"Oh for the love of god!" Yamazaki Susumu snapped suddenly. "Send the bill to Hijikata Toshizou! We're out of here!" With a haughty flick of his hair, he turned and stormed out of the window.

"He's a little testy," Okita Souji said apologetically, stepping out of the window as well. "Send the bill to Hijikata-san. He'll settle it. Yamanami-san will make sure of that."

"See ya," Nagakura Shinpachi said hurriedly and leapt out of the window.

Kichisaburo watched the retreating figures then lowered his head and contemplated the prone body. "Hundred and… fifty," he said decisively. Then he smiled and blew a kiss. "Thanks for making me rich, Momo-poo."

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"Hijikata-kun."

With a jerk, Hijikata Toshizou snapped out of his thoughts about the significance of pink sakura in relation to the destruction of the concept of the samurai code of bushido. "What?" he growled, looking around. "Yamanami? Odd to find you here."

Yamanami smiled back benignly. "Oh, I just have a question for you, Hijikata-kun," he said.

"And?"

"Well… you know I usually don't question you about the… eh… activities you carry out in your spare time…"

"Like I said, 'and'?"

"_And_ seeing that you are the guardian for Souji-kun, I felt that I really had to say something about… this…"

"Souji doesn't visit the places I do."

"I know… but you must be aware that he is aware of the things you do and…"

"Get to the point!"

Yamanami took a deep breath and held up a slip of paper. "Hijikata-kun, why do you have a bill from the Yogotoya Gay Quarters?"

"…"

"…"

"… I'm not gay, and don't you dare suggest I am or I'll set Souji on you."

"Okay, even though I think he'll just ask me for money to go buy candy."

"… I hate you."

"The feeling is mutual."

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Tada! Hope you enjoyed this fic! And don't forget to leave a review!


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